Realizations

I have held my husband back in social settings. There. Said it. Don't have to like it at all. But how do I change it? What brought all this up? I asked DH if he felt limited. I feel incredibly limited. So many people that I cannot be free with my speech around and feeling like they do no know the whole me. Friends that I have had for more than 20 years who, because of my whole self, I do not feel comfortable inviting them to my home anymore. And that is not even counting work. Then, there is finances and the expense of going out with friends. Oy! I continually feel to also be socially awkward. I think the two are related.

DH's fix was to take me to a party for one of his coworkers. That evening was very uncomfortable for me and I spent the bulk of it petting a very sweet dog. The only other person I knew there that I hadn't seen on television was a former classmate with whom aside from attending the same school, I have zero in common with. This led to Hubby turning down invites and not going alone to some work parties. He says because he didn't want to spend half the evening answering people as to my whereabouts. Now, I doubt that would have happened. I barely knew the people.

With changing where we live and work, expected social appearances and making new friends will be necessary. Am I just introverted? Am I shy? Am I fixable? I really do not know the answers. I'm not even certain what makes me this way.

Oh Crappy Crappy Day

I had a very bad day at work, ending with the big boss telling me to go home and rest as a favor to him. I feel guilty about going home and embarrassed. My supervisor cannot be thrilled. I fell apart over a stupid pie chart. Numbers just were not adding up at all. Plus after 5 revisions, the end result is nearly the same dam thing as the very first one only color coded a tiny bit differently. And I cracked. Grant you I am very slowly recovering from some sinus issue. No real excuse.

Several people have said or told me that I am still sick. So what defines sick? I have no fever and am not vomiting. So I tough it out and go to work. Those were the rules as a kid. That is what I know. And even if I did stay home, chores were to be done. No loafing about.

Is this something bigger? Still no excuse, but maybe. Have had well meaning friends hound about me taking vacation. Which I feel guilty about because of time, finances, and DH's job search. Office politics I have had enough of, and maybe they need to do a little without me. Have been feeling burn out for some time and honestly cannot wait for DH to find employment so that we must move. Not good to feel that way and still go full steam ahead at the desk.

Message Received

I was walking from the car to work, minding my own business, and I see on the ground a playing card. The four of diamonds. Divination happens with playing cards, that is how we got them in the first place. A friend of mine is quite good with them. I forgot to call and ask him, but I have a reference book!

From Simply Fortune Telling with Playing Cards by Jonathan Dee:
"The Four of Diamonds is not an exciting card; in fact, it implies a period of slow, steady effort toward a specific goal. It is likely that this goal is financial in nature, or connected with property."

Okay. Confused. Ray is the one that is on the job search and has the financial goal. Is this a patience message for me? Do I work toward more frugality because progress will be slow? Is this message to boost hope? All questions only I can answer. But things I'd like to know.

Perhaps a further reading on the topic when I feel better and have more energy.

04.10.09 Tarot and Dream

So I woke up a three am and what else does one do while waiting for theraflu to cool down, but do a Tarot reading? I used the DruidCraft deck, Awen spread.

past ideas-5 of Cups
past emotions-R Prince of Cups, message R5 of Swords
past manifestations-High Priest

present ideas-R2 of Cups
present emotions- the Moon
present manifestations-9 of Pentacles

future ideas-10 of Pentacles
future emotions-R7 of Pentacles
future manifestations-6 of Wands

So yes, I've been feeling a bit wounded as of late. That should change. True I am a bit unhappy with my job. And things should be looking up a bit. Okay.

Then I tried to go back to sleep after that. I remember the beginning of a dream were I was on a boat with men in black cloaks being taken to meet the God. Flip the whole Mists of Avalon thing and you've got it. The God came close to me to give me my message and I startled awake. Wonder if I will get back to that one or not?

Troubles and work

On Sunday the broiler element in the oven popped and tried to catch fire. We acted fast, the building is safe. Ruined the makings for a damn fine fritatta breakfast. Denied bacon! I flipped the breaker switch to the stovetop to be sure. We lucked out and got a dinner invitation that night and did not have to worry about anything. Maintenance has been here, everything is fixed and now we clean. Am quite pooped though and taking a break. Am using a mix of one pint hot water, 2 tsp Dr Bonner's, and 2tsp borax. Mix in a spray bottle, spritz all over oven and let it sit 20 minutes before wiping up. Works pretty good, but will have to work on it a little more throughout the week.

Also over the weekend, DH and I walked 5+ miles. He of course did the plus. Two miles on the centennial trail beginning at 9 mile dam on Saturday. Three (for me) on the trail starting from our front door. Tired and actually got a little bit of a sunburn. Am hoping to make walks a regular part of the weekend now.

Today...well crap. There were 44 first appearances on the calendar. More than double what we usually have. Damned new procedures. One of the jury team is on vacation and the primary/top dog/head cheese person does not want to do the coverage that she should. She is FLSA exempt and gets 5 extra personal days per year to do this sort of thing. I am salary treated as hourly and expire after my 7.50 hours. She was actually slamming things around when she realized she really needed to stay. Not my fault or problem that she could not leave early. Tomorrow should be just dandy. She is going to try and leave early again. Joy.

Dream 033009

I woke up to the weirdest dream that I need to try and incubate to get back to very soon. I was walking through a house, not an apartment. It was mine and DH's. I saw a newspaper that was a different format from the review, but could not see the city or date. It was one of the ones with the scrolly looking fleur de lis on it. I woke as I was trying to open a door to a room in the house. It was a plain ball style doorknob. Not the cut glass or crystal of an old home and note the lever style that is in a lot of newer ones. I couldn't get the door open. I managed to go back to this place after I whacked the snooze button this morning, but still could not get the door open. I couldn't see out of any of the windows either.

Me? Blockages? Alex, I'll take the catagory of 'Duh!' for $400 please.

Simplify and consolidate

Blogging makes me feel better. I get to rant. I have not done much here because social sites with blogs all seem to demand a little bit of attention. Well myspace is getting no more attention from me.

A most wonderful gift

For Solstice, from dear friends; a handmade finger labyrinth. The scalloped wood edge was cut out of wood. A modified Chartes patter traced on and maked with two layers of fabric puff paint. Painted with several colors. Red for the divine feminine. Purple for Spirit. Gold for god/male energy and silver for goddess/female. Copper as the conductor. Original wording around the edge is "When every way is closed before you, Spirit will show a path."

I look forward to walking with Grace and Spirit.